Yes, this is actually happening. A Toronto man has turned to crowdfunding rather than his hand of choice to finance a new Fleshlight.

“im a sad man in need, basically im a virgin neet loser who is depressed. i think my lack of woman and depression would help me significantly if you donate money to buy me a fleshlight,” he writes in his Generosity plea.

If you don’t know what a Fleshlight is, let me try to explain. It looks like a flashlight, but it’s actually a… receptacle for… um… sticking things into. You get the idea, hopefully, because I don’t desire to explain further.

“now you might be thinking wow its not 120 dollars for a fleshlight but i need to buy it then buy lube to use the thing. so its a rip off but help a man out through his worst point in life,” he says.

It looks like this poor man is also in need of a new keyboard with a functioning Shift key, oh the humanity.

“btw you might be thinking omg wow get a job you lazy excuse for a human,” he says. Actually, I was sort of thinking that, but also why the hell do you need a $120 Fleshlight when millions of men around the globe manage to get the job done with a hand and possibly a bottle of discount lotion. I digress. “but im disabled and incapable of doing so. i was denied welfare.” Oh. So. You have a lot of free time, I guess.

“you spend a dollar on something you dont need like coffee everyday so please use a dollar on me im lonely and dead inside just fulfill my happiness again by helping me get the goal of my sad life,” he says in closing. Excuse you, many of us do need coffee, certainly much more than you need to jerk off into a piece of space age foam encased in a fake flashlight. *cough*

He has so far raised $1 of a $120 goal.

Listen, mental illness is serious. If this guy is truly depressed, then he needs a therapist, not a fancy new gadget in which to deposit his man butter. Just sayin.

Just in case, an archived copy of the campaign can be found here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to take a hot shower to rinse this post off of me.