Do you ever find yourself reading some sob story on GoFundMe, screaming at the computer screen JESUS H CHRIST ON A CRACKER WHY NOT JUST BE HONEST? Sure, shit happens, but we don’t need the elaborate backstory on every person you ever met since the age of five and a detailed accounting of how each and every one jilted you in one way or another. I don’t know about you guys but I’d be much more likely to give to someone who takes a no-nonsense approach to crowdfunding than some wanna-be novelist trying to convince me the world has purposely taken a massive shit on them year after year for their entire existence.
So, in the spirit of honesty, we got to thinking: what if GoFundMe pages were honest? Well, we imagine they would look a little like this.
It’s safe to say that “bad decisions” are behind many GoFundMe campaigns, so why not be real about it? I’m pretty sure a large period of my 20s was one long bad decision, thankfully we only had Yahoo and a few failed dot com delivery services back then and didn’t put our business on GoFundMe. No shame. Embrace it.
You have to wonder why some people turn to personal crowdfunding rather than cashing in favors with friends and family; that reason is probably that they are an asshole and have burned every bridge ever built in their lifetime. The internet is all they have left, and they’re hoping strangers won’t catch their asshole vibe from behind the screen. Judging by the comment sections of select GoFundMe pages, I’m guessing that plan doesn’t always work.
If your aim is to write an honest GoFundMe campaign, then you might as well be all the way honest and own up to the fact that your own sister wouldn’t lend you a kidney were you dying, much less piss on you if you were on fire.
Drugs are expensive, or so I hear. We can only imagine how many GoFundMe campaigns are basically just elaborate rolled up dollar bills getting shoved up someone’s nose.
Lastly, we have my favorite. It’s especially entertaining when someone purchases a smushed-face dog for a few grand from a shady backyard breeder and then turns to personal crowdfunding for expensive surgery just so their pet can, you know, breathe and stuff. Vet expenses aren’t cheap but newsflash: it’s part of being a pet owner.
TBH, if I see an “I’m basically a complete asshole” GoFundMe page, I’m immediately grabbing my credit card.
