Welcome to the internet, where opinions are like assholes and assholes are, well, native citizens of this fine digital land.
A couple days ago, an Ohio teen named Logan Wright set up a GoFundMe campaign after he received a speeding ticket.
He wrote:
So on today on Memorial day I was driving to work in my Honda Civic at 9:40 trying to get there by 10:00 because I’d enjoy not getting fired. As I was driving there some dumbass Mustang passed me going around 80 flipping me off. I wasn’t gonna be a pussy and lose to a Mustang on freedom day so I kissed my USA lanyard and my picture of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the best damn wrestler to ever live and started buring the bald eagle piss. I pass the Mustang and turned up my Van Halen CD. As I was slowing down to tell the Mustang to eat shit a State Highway Patrolmen pulls out and gets my dumbass. Now I back the blue and my country through and through so I wasn’t mad at him for pulling me over but the Mustang that thought he had big enough nuts to dust me. So the Patrolmen comes to my window and says”What do you have in this thing?” and I said “bald eagle piss and freedom sir” then he replied with “You know how fast you two were goin?” and me being the smartass I am said “Well I was slowing down to give both of you a chance.” He didn’t like that too well. Moral of the story is I got a ticket. But I did dust the Mustang so it was worth. The money donated is going towards the ticket because I spent all my paycheck on race car parts. Any extra money, if I’m that lucky, will go towards AC/DC CD’s. Have a blessed day America!
Damn, kid. You might have a promising writing career ahead of you if you can pull prose like that out of your ass just for a stupid crowdfunding campaign.
He quickly reached his $500 goal, but the damn thing just wouldn’t stop; as of press time, 280 people have contributed over $2300 altogether. It’s showed up in my inbox no less than 50 times in the last day alone, proving once again that you never know what’s going to piss people off when it comes to moronic uses of GoFundMe (see also: the mom who wanted strangers to send her kids to Disney).
Notorious GoFundMe-pissers-on’ers Turtleboy Sports called the campaign “the greatest GoFundMe that has ever been created” — I wouldn’t go that far but as TBS so astutely pointed out, credit should be given to this kid for at least attempting to entertain the suckers he wanted money from. “Ya know why this kid deserves the money? Because he entertained me. He provided a valuable service, and when you do that in America you get paid,” writes TBS. Right. Even those guys who paint themselves silver and stand around on milk crates in any major city filled with tourists know that. Some of them don’t even have an actual talent, they just stand there covered in paint and make money for it. God bless America eh?
It seems the beef here is that some jerky kid with more than a remedial understanding of the English language cleaned up to the tune of $2300 and rising, while there are countless pleas far more worthy than a teen’s speeding ticket withering on GoFundMe without so much as a half-assed $5 donation. House fires, kids with cancer, one-eyed cats, shoeless children with bloated bellies in third world countries, you name it. They get nothing while Mr. Eagle Piss in the Gas Tank here gets two grand. I get it.
In the most current update, Wright insists he wasn’t actually begging for money and didn’t expect the campaign to be shared outside of his circle of family and friends. The campaign has been shared nearly 350,000 times on Facebook, so safe to say that plan didn’t work.
Genius? Or just another GoFundMe jackass? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.